A Drunk Mayan Cowboy

Later in the day I walked over to the El Tigre tienda and bought a few phone cards in honor of Three-Fer day. Not wanting to spend all my quetzals in one place, I also walked up to the village center and inquired with one of the other phone-card sellers regarding availability of additional cards. The man in charge explained that they were out of cards but that he could transfer funds from his cell phone to my cell phone and that the value would triple in the exchange. This little feat of technological wizardry, especially considering the overwhelming rusticity of our location, seemed almost unbelievable. Despite my doubts, I asked him to demonstrate, which he quickly and professionally did. In only moments, my phone had been charged up with hundreds of quetzals, for which I paid him only one-hundred. Impressed, and anxious to take advantage of the great deal, I asked him to do the same for Jennifer’s phone.

As I stood in the open face of the tienda, protected by the sun by overhanging corrugated roof, my elbows resting on the wooden counter, I watched in amazement as the fellow on the other side rapidly typed in the commands required to transfer funds to Jennifer’s phone. I pulled my own cell phone out of my right-hand pocket and dialed my wife to warn her that a credit was about to be transferred to her phone, so that she could confirm the transaction. Being a bit hard-of-hearing on the left-side, I held the phone up to my right ear.

While I listened to the phone ring on the other end, an old drunk campesino with a cowboy hat and bright pink eyes staggered towards me from out on the road in a zig-zag pattern. The custom in this village is to simply ignore drunks. Most people don’t even walk away when one of them gets too friendly, though I am not sure why. There seems to be a tacit acceptance of their presence, if not their condition. This old Mayan cowboy, carrying a half-crushed plastic bottle of cane rum in one hand was definitely slobberingly drunk. He bellied up next to me, actually, he bellied up to me, standing to my left, and rested his head on my shoulder as he mumbled something unintelligible in mixed Spanish and Mam. He drooled slightly and was looking down as if at my foot. He kept pointing at my left pants pocket with his free hand as if to say that he wanted some money or something. After mumbling for a few moments and being much too close, he began to use foul language. The few words I could make out I didn’t like much. I began to sweat and noticed that a small crowd of locals, who had been enjoying each other’s company under the same shady overhang, were watching me and my new best friend. I hesitated to walk away because, as I said, nobody here seems to do that. The other reason I did not was that the fellow in the tienda was not done transferring gobs of quetzals to my wife’s phone. I called Jennifer over and over again while tried to edge away, without success. For some reason, Jennifer never answered the phone. The drunk followed me around, holding out both hands as if to say he wanted what was in my pockets. The small crowd also watched with an odd look of detached amusement.

After calling Jennifer six or seven times, I began to get agitated at the fact that my wife had neglected to keep her phone with her, as we agreed she would. Or, she wasn’t answering because, perhaps, she was having another, more important, call! I began to sweat profusely as I slowly walked just out of range of the drunk, calling Jennifer again and again. I finally simply paid the man at the tienda without confirmation and headed in the direction of home so that I could express my angst to my wife for her lack of procedural integrity - not having her phone with her. I would then confirm the transaction myself – because, after all, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself!

As I reached our home and stepped up on the cinder blocks that we use for steps, Jennifer called out a cheery hello and asked me if I had seen her phone anywhere. I was about ready to begin my speech about “why can’t you keep track of your cell phone” when I decided to make a quick check of my own pockets. I was somewhat amazed to discover that there was another cell phone in my left pocket, but I always keep mine in my right pocket. Upon further investigation, I was equally amazed to discover that there was one in my right-hand pocket too.

It took me a few moments to piece together what had actually happened, as my perception of the drunk followed everything I had expected from drunks. In reality, what had transpired at the phone tienda was this:

After dialing my wife and putting the phone to my good (right) ear, Jennifer’s phone began to ring, in my left pants pocket. As my own phone was occupying my only really good ear, I couldn’t hear her phone ringing softly in my left pants pocket. The drunk, being a socially responsible kind of guy, heard my pocket ringing and was on his way over to help me notice the obvious, as drunks are prone to do. When he rested his head on my shoulder, he was looking down into my pocket, wondering why the heck my pants were ringing while I was talking on another phone. As I nudged away from him and called Jennifer again and again, it made him all the more curious as to why I had a phone on my ear, but my pants were ringing. Naturally he followed me around, trying to point out this apparent incongruity. I can only guess what the group of folks in the shade of the overhang were thinking.

Honestly, I am the source of endless amusement here in Mayalan. I should charge admission.